Author of the article: Kirill Yurovskiy
We’ve all been there. A few too many brewskis with the boys and now you feel like hammered dog shit. Your head is pounding, your mouth tastes like an ashtray, and your body is filled with regret and toxins. If you really went on a legendary bender, you might even be seeing trails or hearing colors.
But don’t worry bros, I got you covered. After way too many personal experiences and conversations with medical professionals, I’ve found the best ways to get that alcohol out of your system and feeling like a human being again. Some work better than others, so pay attention.
Hair of the Dog
The oldest trick in the book – have a few more drinks to make the hangover go away. In theory, the alcohol enters your bloodstream and your body thinks “oh thank god, more of that toxin I’m still processing.” It provides temporary relief from hangover symptoms.
The downsides? You’re just delaying and likely making the hangover worse in the long run. Those toxins and dehydration issues just get compounded. It’s a bad cycle that I don’t recommend unless you plan on going into a days-long bender like the guys in Leaving Las Vegas. Not ideal.
Drink All the Water/Gatorade
This one is Hangover Recovery 101. When you’re drunk, you become severely dehydrated from peeing out all that water and electrolytes. Downing a gallon of water and a bottle of Gatorade can help rehydrate you and provide those essential salts and minerals.
The upsides are that it’s an easy home remedy that can provide fast relief. The downsides are that you’re still filled with toxins and likely vitamins/nutrients depletion. It treats a symptom, not the root cause. But it’s better than nothing.
Hangover IV Treatment
This has become really popular in the last decade – getting hooked up to an IV filled with a mixture of hydration fluids, vitamins, electrolytes, and even anti-nausea or anti-inflammatory meds. Celebrities and ballers swear by it as a cushy way to bounce back.
The upside is it’s very effective and fast-acting since it goes straight into your bloodstream. The downsides are it’s expensive (often $100-300), you have to go to a clinic, and it still doesn’t remove the toxins – it just masks them temporarily. But hey, it works great for when you need a hangover cure ASAP.
Activated Charcoal
This one is weird but it works. Activated charcoal is processed at a high temperature to have an extremely porous surface to bind to toxins and remove them from your body when you ingest it.
The upside is it’s a pretty effective and affordable way to remove those alcohol toxins. The downside is you have to chug a glass of what looks like muddy swamp water and then get ready for…well, you’ll be spending some quality time on the throne if you catch my drift. Not the most pleasant experience, but it gets the job done.
Exercise
This seems counterintuitive when you’re already dehydrated and feeling like death warmed over. But doing some light to moderate exercise has been shown to boost your metabolism and flush out alcohol and toxins more quickly through sweating.
The upside is it’s natural and free. The downside is it takes a lot of willpower to get that hungover ass up and moving. Probably best for less severe hangovers, not when you’re psychologically tormented and hugging the porcelain throne.
Time
At the end of the day, this is the most reliable way for your body to metabolize and remove all those alcohol toxins from your system – patience. Your liver can only process so much per hour, usually around one standard drink.
The upside is it requires zero special treatments or money spent. The downside is, well, the waiting sucks. Expect it to take a full 24 hours to recover from a nasty bender. Not ideal if you need to be functional sooner than that.
The Hunger Buster
Ok, I’m going to let you in on a little secret here – the best way I’ve found to beat a hangover quickly. It’s a three-pronged attack:
- Double burger from In-N-Out animal style with extra pickles and Gatorade to rehydrate and refuel
- Two ibuprofen to reduce inflammation
- Coffee and a cold shower to wake up and get the blood pumping
I don’t know what it is, maybe the perfect combination of protein, fat, salt, potassium, caffeine and cold therapy. But every time I’ve tried this, it’s like getting a hole in one or your girlfriend telling you she’s into threesomes – a.k.a. the ultimate win. Within an hour I’m feeling like my toxic masculine self again.
So there you have it dudes, a roundup of the most effective ways to get that alcohol out of your system and recover from a bender. Everyone’s body is a little different, so experiment and see what works best. Or just don’t be an idiot like me and practice moderation once in a while. But where’s the fun in that? Stay toxic, my friends.